This is life in a state of false clarity. On and on, in a self-fulfilling, vicious cycle that Eva Broch referred to in one of her Pathwork Guide Lectures as a "circular trap." The failure of the manipulations to get more of what is wanted is often what brings the person to therapy, seeking to find out what they’re doing "wrong", why the mask they’re sure is based in reality is not having its designed effect. This then seems to validate the underlying belief that "there is not enough." So therefore, one must manipulate even more, all the while building up a stockpile of resentment. The partner being bombarded with these masked demands will often withdraw and indeed be less inclined to "give" affection, etc. This person feels so defeated and frustrated because while they believe that there really isn’t enough love in the world to go around, they are sure that the way to get what is available is by being…agreeable, accommodating and self-sacrificing! What they are in denial of is the fact that their accommodating, etc., behavior is part of a mask, attempting to hide a very demanding and childish attitude towards their loved one based on a buried belief in deprivation. In spite of tireless efforts to be agreeable, accommodating and self-sacrificing, they were just "not getting enough" - attention, sex, support, appreciation or affection from their partner.
#PREMATURE POPSHOT WITH MARY MASOCHISM SERIES#
A person may come to therapy because they have had a series of love relationships in which they’ve found themselves feeling emotionally deprived. To face that a strategy that you have been devoting much of your life force to is actually faulty is a heartbreaking proposition. And, if you have been so invested for so long in a particular method of trying to attain a modicum of happiness, you will not readily forgo it. Indeed, if you believe something so thoroughly, you will invite, create or only be able to see that very thing in your life most of the time, so its reality will seem absolute. One of the first endeavors in a person’s unfolding process, then, is to begin uncovering the embedded beliefs behind the masks, and challenging their validity, thereby confronting the false clarity they offer as a substitute for real knowingness and security. Indeed, many come to therapy looking to polish up their masks so they might "work better", and are surprised to find out that a key part of the real self work is, in fact, to expose and "take off" the masks. To that end, a person will develop what some theorists have referred to as "masks" ("personas", according to Carl Jung), or false selves, constructed to present to the world in order to attain sought after praise, recognition, love or substitutes for those things. Much energy has been invested in trying to find better and better ways of manipulating the self and other people to "get what I want". Since these beliefs are not doubted for the most part, the person initially coming for therapy is seeking ways to better cope with what are accepted as the harsh “realities" of their life.
(In my class on beliefs, and in each of the character structure classes, I presented a more extensive list of some of the more common beliefs that we run our lives by.) There are many, many such axioms or beliefs with variations and derivatives aplenty. "I know that to truly give to others means to sacrifice something of what I want."Īnd so on…ad infinitum. "I know that if I want something done right, I have to do it myself, because no one will ever be there for me." "I know it’s impossible for Eros and passion to last in a relationship." "I know that if I acted strictly according to my desires, I’d be out of control."
"I know that if I am honest and assert myself directly, no one will like me." "I know that I can't only get what I want through the manipulation of myself and others." From this place, people will frequently start sentences out with "I know…" Initially, when someone first arrives to an holistic therapeutic process, they are in a state that I’ve found myself thinking of as " false clarity." This is a frame of mind in which one’s personal belief systems are so firmly in place and embedded so far down in the subconscious mind that the person feels certain of their validity, rarely questioning them. One way that I’ve conceptualized the process of personal evolution has been as a kind of three-part movement, that being from false clarity to genuine confusion to genuine clarity.
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